My girlfriend and I sat in the corner booth at a bar and grill almost on the verge of tears. We were recounting the last time we remembered shaming our roots, denying our background, or insulting the very skin we live in.

We both shook our heads as we gave the context of our self-hate and where it stemmed from. We both nodded in understanding when we transitioned to the very moment when we realized how messed up our mindset was and what we did to correct it.

I’m all about therapy over food.

But our pizza and chili cheese fries were already smoked by the time we waded in this water.

It breaks my heart that any woman of color has had to go through this moment, but mostly I’m just all the more enraged. Why are black women the most envied, emulated, and needed, yet the most insulted, unwanted, and forgotten – simultaneously?

It’s enough to drive a woman mad.

The time in our past that we wasted hating and hiding ourselves can’t be gained back.

My friend and I were already in our teens by the time we finally fully recognized the self-hate that had infiltrated its way into our heads. For my friend, it was finally realizing that she was ashamed of her roots in Tanzania, when in actuality it was blessing that she knew her heritage and still had a connection to it. For me, it was finally realizing that I held expectations for what my lighter complexion and features could bring me and that this was a privilege that I wanted to help eliminate.

Because at the end of the day, nothing separates black women. Not location nor complexion. If we don’t stand with each other, no one else will.

We are the most fearsome beings on this earth. We are beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, confident, and still carry all the frailties that make us human. We see the unfairness. We see the hate. But we choose to live our lives despite it. We love ourselves and we love others.

And for many of us, we still struggle with self-hate.

My hope is that our daughters will be the first generation in many generations to start, grow, and end all in love.

Until then, let’s talk. Let’s heal.

Olivia