I finally landed my first “real” job and I’m struggling to find a balance between it and what I ultimately wanna do. I’m thankful and grateful, but I don’t want this to be the end. I don’t want to settle for this. I feel like I have something to offer the world and so much more to learn and accomplish. It’s going to be hard working full-time and finding time to do what I love, but it has to be done.

Over the past month, I’ve gotten into the routine of going to work, coming home and being lazy just to wake up and do it all over again. I know what it’s like to have a full schedule and balance my free time because of my college days, but I have to get back into my groove for the sake of my happiness. I won’t be happy in this current position forever. I’m still in the training stage so it really hasn’t officially kicked in yet.

I’m just scared because I’m realizing that I’m just not cut out for doing the same thing repeatedly for three to five years straight. I don’t wanna be content, I wanna be fulfilled and I know it won’t happen in this current situation. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m gonna have to sacrifice and do what I have to do to make sure bills are paid, but I need to carve out time for me and my dreams. And my dream is to be a writer. Sometimes I can picture myself writing for a living then other times I get discouraged because I haven’t been very successful in the past two years that I’ve had my degree in Journalism. I’m a procrastinator and somewhat of a perfectionist so I always think I have to prepare before I write instead of just doing it and letting it flow. Yet every time I randomly do decide to write, I always have so much to say.

Maybe I’m still too new and naïve to the game to accept facts or maybe I’m just too ambitious to give it all up and fall into the mindset that so many people have. As optimistic as I am now, there are times I’ve just wanted to give up because I’ve been so frustrated. After a “discussion” with my father, I second-guessed myself for the first time ever and I don’t ever want to experience that again. Black women don’t get a lot of props in the world we live in, and I’ll be damned if I dim my light for anybody. I’ve accepted the fact that it won’t happen overnight, but I can still share my thoughts, wisdom and passion with others in hopes that it will inspire someone else.

I get excited just thinking about it and how happy I was when I wrote my first story for the school paper. I won’t die if my name doesn’t appear in the byline on MSNBC’s website. In fact, that’s not my goal at all, but I do want to make a difference. I’ve watched too many people settle into a way of life and I refuse to be miserable and live with regrets because I didn’t do my best or put forth effort to do what I love.

You ever heard All I Want Is Everything by JoJo? I’ve adopted it as my personal theme song for life. I listen to a lot of music and I’ve loved the meaning of lyrics in a lot of songs, but that song is truly spot on. It describes how I feel about my life to a tee. Sometimes I hate being an adult and having to make decisions and figure my life out. I miss when life was simple, but my dad always tells me how I’m in a great spot and how everything will work out. I have to constantly remind myself of that before I get discouraged. I don’t know where I’ll end up five to ten years from now, but I’m going to do my best to enjoy the ride.

Signed,
Jaida